Sage Wolfsbane: Dark Hunter 1

 Alphonse Wolfe's Occult Shoppe and Apothecary:

Nick came out of the bathroom after washing his hands. Gwen looked disappointed. "Why didn't you let me see? I am curious on how we're you able to use your semen demon possession."

"No time for that, Sage... You called me to help you rescue your Dad... which is weird, since he's a famous Dark Hunter and a reason why my Succibi have been less active around despite Lilith's Discretion Edict. Your Dad is making my life a pain." Replied Nick mildly annoyed. "Let's go!"

Once Nick and Gwen got outside the shop, she groaned at the sight of Nick's Lowrider.

"Do I look like Johnny Depp to you, Benicio?" Said Gwen Snarkily. "Where's your bike?"

"Bike seats two. We're on a rescue mission. That makes it 3." Replied Nick.

"But why a tacky Lowrider? You're not an eye. You're Puerto Rican." Said Gwen. "Ricans don't do lowriders."

"Just get in the damned car." Said Nick as he put on some reggae.

"Scientist? Really?" Replied Gwen.

" You're no good you're no good gyal! All the things that you do in front of me! Sheshesheshesheshesheshesheshe..." Nick sang slightly off key.

"You really are a dork! What? Was Runnin'with the devil a bit too on the nose?" Said Gwen as she got in the convertible. "I swear if- goddammit Nick!" Exclaimed Gwen as the car began to bounce due to the hydraulics. "Don't tell me this was all to make a GTA3 Reference." Said Gwen annoyed.

"You wanna walk, then GTFO out of my car and FUCKING WALK!" Said Nick.

"We're fighting again." Said Gwen.

"Fucking Dumbpeels" Replied Nick.

"It's Dhampir... stupid Ink Cue bus" Said Gwen Mockingly. Before both started laughing.

"Where to, my retarded cousin?" Said Nick.

"That's a bit racist, especially coming from a dude who fucks anything with a vagina. Sorry makes love to anything with a vagina." Replied Gwen. "Bet you want to make love to Twilight Sparkle... and I ain't talking about Tara Strong."

"Yeah I'm a former Brony, so what?" Said Nick.

"We're going to the outskirts of town, My Little Pony Friendship With Benefits." Gwen Replied.

***

Abandoned Church:

"Tell me if you have heard this one before: A Dhampir and an Incubus walk into an abandoned Church." Said Gwen as Nick rolled his eyes.

"So your pops is here? Pretty dramatic. The MuTeens would hate this mission because I'm feeling like this will be a horrible night to have a curse!" Said Nick.

"Ugh! Castlevania. Don't you know any other games?" Said Gwen.

"I know plenty of games, boy... Only that I stick to the ones I love." Said Nick in a Kratos voice. "Also, this place screams Castlevania. Take me to a beach and we could do dead or... T&C Surf from the NES era."

"You were going to say Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, weren't you?" Replied Gwen. "Shut up for a second." Gwen began to focus and a pentagram appeared on the church door.

"Pentagrams how cliché." Said Nick. "IDDQD IDKFA! Let's  do this!" He began beatboxing At Doom's gate. "So we just go through the gate then that's it?"  Nick asked as Gwen was strapping up.

"Not everyone can equip their stuff like a videogame, but yeah. I take point. You're just the muscle." Said Gwen as they entered the Church.

"Huh, a pocket dimension. Just like Meemaw's apartment." Said Nick. "This is some High level shit. No wonder you wanted me to tag along... This looks more Wolfenstein than Doom. I knew I should have done Castlevania but no,  Vampire Hunter D here was tired of my Castlevania references."

Both Nick and Gwen walked around the castle hall looking for clues. "Aha!" Said Nick very effeminately.

"Did you find anything?" Said Gwen.

Nick pointed a sprig of Sage and a sprig of Wolfsbane  trailing towards a door. "Your old man left you a message." Gwen grabbed the herbs and opened up the door. 

"What the hell is this?" Said Gwen as she stepped on some orange non newtonian fluid that made a farting sound.

"That's Gak! It's from Nickelodeon. Also, my name is similar to a Nickelodeon old show, so this clue is about us." Said Nick. "Why is your dad carrying Gak? Wait is that a printout of Walter Sobchak? You, me, Big Lebowski... fuck a stranger in the ass fight a stranger in the alps..."

"Fuck a stranger in the Alps... Dottie!" Exclaimed Sage. "What's her deal in this? What's this purple haired girl?" Said Gwen as she found a picture of Darkstalkers Lilith with her eyes crossed out.

"Dead Lilith. Alps are making a move after the vacuum created by Lilith's death. But if this was an Alp's lair, shouldn't the scent of sex be permeating the halls?" Said Nick.

"You're right... All I smell is rotting flesh and blood... Go Full Castlevania mode, Nick.!" Said Gwen as Nick changed his attire to Simon Belmont's.

"Leather clad whip Daddy? I approve!" Said Gwen in a sultry voice. Nick paid no heed as he was busy whipping the chandeliers and candelabra.

"Wall Rump roast!"  Exclaimed Nick as he was whipping the walls. "It's incredibly fresh!"

Out of the floor, a group of ghouls and wights popped up. Sage decapitated a few with her silver dagher, while Nick was whipping the rest.

"Item crush!" Exclaimed Nick as the Bible burned the monster with its pages. "See? Castlevania. So, we reach the top and face the Vampires. But first we take a detour to the cellar.  Afterwards we head up. Better pray this castle is a classicvania and not a Metroidvania." Said Nick.

Cellar

Once Nick and Gwen beat various hordes of lesser monsters, they entered the Cellar. There there was a Golem waiting for them.

"Give it Meth, Sage!" Exclaimed Nick as he distracted the Golem by attacking the red orb. Dodging the slow attacks by the Golem allowed Gwen to turn Emeth into Meth and thus killing the Golem. Nick grabbed the red orb it dropped.

"Oh good it looks like Classicvania..." a curtain fell and revealed a portal. "Fuck you Sage Wolfsbane and fuck your old man. It's a Metroidvania. Fucking Vampires and their fucking bullshit! We're supposed to meet the Joneses tonight and be ready for tomorrow's 4th of July Celebration!" Said Nick. "Allons-y!"

Castle Tower:

The two mysterious Vampires* were staring at a crucified man.

*-MuTeens 23: March Madness Continues 

The man was tied with silver chains on an inverted cross. One of the women kicked the man. 

"Alphonse Wolf, or should we say: Maximilian Schreck, Heinrich Vin Der Sonne, Adolfo Lobo, Henrie LeCarde... among many other names..." said the redheaded vampire. "You are a thorn on our Master's side... Wolfe, since that's the name you prefer."

The other woman was playing with Alphonse's sword. "Yuck! Holy water, Silver, Sage and Wolfsbane." She dropped the sword. "All poisons to our kind and others. If it wasn't for your role at our Master's return, I'd sodomize you with your own blade!" She Exclaimed.

"Drusilla, calm down. Master wouldn't want us to harm this poppet." Desiree Replied. "No one will come for you, Wolfe... Your apprentice is sweating small stuff and the Lilim is chasing some loose ends we dropped on his lap."

The doors were broken by both Nick and Gwen as they charged into the room.

"Sequence breaking and speed running for the win!"  Said Nick as he gasped for air.

"Die monsters, you don't belong in this world!" Said Gwen as she winked at Nick.

"Did she just quote Castlevania Symphony of the Night at us, Desi?" Asked Drusilla.

"It's something the GameDude does. Surprise! I'm a Vampire! I'm a Vampire! Technically a genderbent clone of you turned vampire." Said Desiree. "Enough talk! Have at thee!"

Desiree used VG Logic in order to attack like Dracula. Nick used his to fight like Richter. This left Gwen to take care of Drusilla, who quickly grabbed Alphonse's blade.

Dodging her father's blade, Gwen was able to land some blows on Drusilla. The Vampire tried to escape by turning to mist, but Gwen splashed her with Holy water before chopping off Drusilla's head. 

Meanwhile, Nick had Item crushed Desiree's Monstrous form before releasing Alphonse.

"Haunted Castle is going down. Hang on!"  Exclaimed Nick as he turned into his demonic form and flew with Gwen and Alphonse outside the Church, putting the car in inventory, he teleported to the Jones Farm.*

*Shadow a MuTeens Side Story

Outskirts of Jones Farm

Nick had finished his getaway when Gwen caught up. "What the hell is wrong with you!?" Gwen asked angrily. 

"I had to kill my Vampire 'sister' all over again." Said Nick. "I hate it when women die, ESPECIALLY BY MY HAND!" Nick punched a tree. Leaving a fist sized hole in it. "I know you're listening Gwen's Dad... You've got some splainin' to do!" Alphonse Materialized.

"How were you able to see me?"  Asked Alphonse. 

"I recently learned a little fact: Alphonse Tepes... You are looking into your old man, Vlad Tepes. Please tell me you're NOT Alucard."

"I'm not Alucard." Said Alphonse.

"If you're not Alucard..." Nick summoned Vampire Killer. "Die Monster! You don't belong in this world!"  Nick went to attack Alphonse, who barely dodged Vampire Killer.

"Raymond Stop!" Yelled Mr.Cade. "I knew I knew you from somewhere besides Dad's stories about Grandpa Teo's Santero friend Adolfo Lobo." Mr.Cade pulled out his phone. "Japan 1999. Arukādo-san. You were our liason with Kyoko... I mean Aki." 

"Arukādo-san? That sounds like Mr. Alucard!" Said Nick. "Why did you lie!?"

Alphonse laughed. "I needed to test you, boy. My daughter is blinded by your Incubus power. You might be an asset for Killing Dracula. I must warn you. He knows your tricks as he'san avid player of Castlevania." 

"Wait, Dracula PLAYS Castlevania?" Mr.Cade asked incredulously. 

"Yes, I know. Young Cade WAS inside his castle and he can testify." Said Alphonse.

"The Bibles, Wall Meat, that wasn't VG Logic?" Nick asked shocked.

"In any case, we'll keep a close eye on you Cades. I'll bring Potato Salad." Said Alphonse as bith He and Gwen left.

"Did we just meet the Son of Dracula?" Said Nick.

"Kiddo, our life is gonna get weirder from here on." Said Mr. Cade.

Alphonse Wolfe's Occult Shoppe and Apothecary:

Once inside the shop Gwen looked angry. "We've just put the Cades in danger, father! Why did you reveal your identity to them?" 

"Do you forget who he is? He's Lilith's heir. My betrayal ensured my Father's inability to rule the world. Nicholas has the True ruler as his thrall. The one called Neronica is an Ancient One, a race older than Lilith and her siblings. We don't know her endgame, so we must remain close to the Cades as they hold the keys to the world. Despite him being a creature of magic, he's a child of science. We need to keep his humanity and aid him with magical threats. He will be useful to us as well, as he has the potential to fully eliminate Dracula." Alphonse retired to his room. "Sleep Gwendolyn. Tomorrow I'm taking a day off."

"But you never take days off..." thought Gwen before going to bed.