Agent Cyrus: A MuTeens Side Story 2: More Biohazard, More problems.
Agent Cyrus: A MuTeens Side Story 2: More Biohazard more problems.
Disclaimer: This is obviously a fictional story. Names, people,places are all fictional, even if they're based on real World counterparts. They are parodic imitations that in no way are meant to be the originals. Especially since they're all acting out of character...
Castillo Salazar:
Entering into the Castle itself, Doreen was once again armed with the PRL. Nick had them stay hidden, while he triggered the Zealots at the catapults. With a ridiculous show of superhuman strength, Nick sent the Boulders back to sender and destroy the catapults. Then Miley and Doreen followed. Once theenemies were jo more, Nick made his own entrance to the castle.
"Careful. These Zealots carry new style Plagas. Don't get too close. You could lose your head." Warned Nick as they entered the barracks and fought various Zealots. If it hadn't been for Doreen, Miley wouldn't be here amongst the living. Once the whole sword puzzle was solved, they approached a hall where Serra was waiting.
"Leon... Nick! I have the cure for your Plagas... oh wait! My beautiful vest had a hole. ¡Puta Madre me cago en la concha de la Lora! I will be back!" Said Serra before leaving.
The trio entered the hall and an unnerving laughter was echoing through the hall.
When the trio approach the balcony, an ancient little person shows up. He was wearing 17th century clothing.
"I was starting to wonder when you'd notice us!" Said the elderly short king.
"¡Si, ya se con el cuento que viene usted, Jose Mujer!" Nick said condescendingly. "I'll say: who are you? To which you will reply: Me llamo Ramón Salazar the eighth castellar of this magnificent architecture." Said Nick while making a mocking parody of the tiny man's voice. "You'll ramble about the power of Lord Saddler and about us joining you. To which I'll say: No thanks Bro! While rolling the R really hard that even a klansman from Alabama would say that I've rolled out a really hard R and he knows Hard Rs." Nick kept rambling disrespectfully. "Then you'll say I'm feisty and that we should surrender Doreen and something something I'm not worth a penny and can go fuck myself. How accurate was I?"
The Minuscule man was very angry. "I am NOT GAY! I HAVE SEEN XICA DA SILVA AND UNDERSTOOD THAT REFERENCE!" The tiny man was angry. "How did you know my name? Is the name of the Salazar family THAT FAMOUS?"
Asked Salazar.
"Not really. My sister pranked me and sent me a link to midget gay porn and you were there getting spit roasted by your Paulies the lackeys..."
Nick said mockingly. "Tu madre es una puta y tu padre folla animales en el granero." Said Nick while making impressions of Salazar.
"I will enjoy crushing you!!" Said Salazar angrily before leaving.
"You think angering Spaniard Bonaparte was a good idea?" Said Miley.
"I'm gonna kill that pint sized fucker." Said Nick. "Besides, I needed to get all that banter off my chest because we're going to need absolute silence soon."
Nick opened the door to the prison. He began miming for silence. Both Doreen and Miley silently nodded. As he went down the stairs, Nick carefully dodged any possible noise sources as he looked for a way out.
Miley and Doreen were staring at each other when the sounds of blades and an injured dinosaur could be heard. Suddenly the sounds of Flamenco Music could be heard alongside the dinosaur screaming. After a few minutes, Nick came sporting an oversized claw on his right arm. He did a backfill before yodeling.
"That's from Street Fighter. The Spanish dude." Said Miley. "I had to endure a Hemsworth brothers Street Fighter tournament." Doreen was surprised.
"I can kick all their asses." Said Nick. "Honestly, I want to meet Chris and shake his godly hand. I am not a fan of Liam for not Miley related reasons. The Miley related reasons make.me like him.even less." Nick put the claw in inventory.
The trio entered the long hall with water where a bunch of Zealots were ready for an ambush. Luckily for Nick Miley and Doreen were pretty good at handling their firearms.
"Face it, Cade. You're becoming a supporting character in this story." Said Miley. As she shot the last Zealot with the Sniper rifle.Rifle. "Doreen, how about you get cranking that crank while we protect you from the eventual Zealots that will show up. I'm starting to get this gamer logic thing." Said Miley as Nick helped Doreen reach the crank.
As expected more Zealots popped out but Nick and Miley took care of them. The same thing was done for the other cranks in the room. They reached another hallway.
"Doreen, you're supposed to freak out and run towards that wall. You'll get captured. Miley go with her. I'll be fine." Said Nick as both girls ran and got separated from Nick. They were captured. Nick had to flee to find another way.
***
Castillo Salazar: Wall Trap:
Doreen and Miley were shackled to the wall by 3 huge shackles. "So... captured again! What's your story with Nick?" Asked Doreen. "Also, you're a secret agent? What in Perry the Platypus?"
"Well, My Old Man and Nick's Old Man go way back. He was Nick Sr.'s mentor. I became an agent, so did Nick Jr. after the Arcade incident that made the MuTeens. He stopped being an agent to become a Superhero. He still does favors for the agency, like this mission." Said Miley. "We officially met last year on Thanksgiving and we became just friends. I think he's kinda cute in a stepbrother kind of way. Unfortunately, I am too aware of his crush on me and I can't reciprocate. So we have this awkward friend dynamic where I like him, but the problem is Hannah."
"He had a Hannah Montana Pic in his locker." Said Doreen. "There was an Upper classman, Anton, who was a bully. He picked on me, on Syrus Stockman, on a lot of people. He chose to target Nick because of the Hannah pic." Doreen took a deep breath. "He did nothing. Which was weird, since Nick had a reputation of not only being a prankster, but being very vindictive. So Anton chose to attemp bullying Nick's best friend Ashley. She's like a sister to Nick." Doreen said. Miley decided not to correct her.
"So, by attacking Ashley, he landed on Nick's shit list." Miley guessed. "So what did he do?"
"Anton usually came to school on his Dad's Aston Martin. Well, his car ended up with 4 boots and a barnacle on the front and back windshields... on top of the school." Said Doreen. "People suspect Nick did it, but there's no evidence that he did such thing. Car had no prints other than Anton's and his Dad's. But to top it off, stolen test keys were found inside it. Anton got expelled."
"That level of vindictive behavior sounds like a Nick stunt, but he didn't have powers then." Said Miley. "We'll have to ask him how he did it."
"The only reason people suspect is Nick is that the car's radio was stuck playing the Bone Dance." Replied Doreen.
"OK it definitely was Nick." Said Miley. "Well. I already know about Nick's Cunning Linguist incident... we ran out of common topics to talk about. You're a pretty good shot."
"Thanks. My dad is big on the Second Ammendment. I can handle a Desert Eagle with ease." Doreen replied. "Personally, I fancy revolvers. There's nothing like slamming a long silver bullet into a well greased chamber. But this is so much like So Undercover... but with Resident Evil 4."
"Worst part is that I'm here to babysit Nick, but he's trying too hard to impress me... but he already did, back when we made love for the first time. Well, he actually made love to Hannah when we were Maid Marian and Robin of Loxley. Time travel shenanigans. But the first time I, Miley made love to Nick was In 2035 for him, last week for me. Again, Time Travel shenanigans." Said Miley. "He's addictive and I can only take small doses."
"So that's why you buy yourself flowers and write your name in the sand!" Said Nick as he had shot the shackles off. "2035... damn that's almost a decade... Is it worth it, Mile?" Asked Nick.
"Sorry, no spoilers!" Exclaimed Miley as she and Ashley took a nearby door.
Once inside, they both realized they were on a library with a few Zealots In the room. Doreen used the room's layout to her advantage while Miley used the shotgun. With the puzzle beaten, Miley and Doreen reunited with Nick.
"We're halfway through the castle. I get captured again until the island... Nick, can't you speedrun this shit?" Asked Doreen tired.
"Luis is dead..." said Nick.
"Hello, can you hear me Mister Cade?" Said Salazar.
"What do you want, Hornswoggle?" Nick said annoyed. "Do you know what 'Goal' is in Spanish?"
"Of course, that's Meta." Said Salazar.
"Meta mis huevos en su boca." Relied Nick as the diminutive Castellar hanged up.
"Do You think it's wise to piss off our current captor?" Miley asked.
"I'm trying to speed things up. I can warp via glitches. You can't." Said Nick. As the trio entered the next room with a lava pit.
"A castle with lava, what kind of Super Mario bros. Bullshit is this?" Miley asked as they got on the trolley to cross.
A Zealot was operating a Dragon head that spews fire. Nick pulled out the garrador claw and put on a Casey Jones Mask. Once again the Flamenco Music was heard as Nick let a high pitched scream. Once the Zealots fell, Nick yodeled for a moment before returning.
"You're going to milk the hell out of Vega..." Doreen said. "Eh, it's CAPCOM on CAPCOM."
The trio kept going until they reached the Throne Room. The king and queen statue puzzle made Nick groan. "I wanna kill that fucking Midget!!"
Doreen and Miley rolled their eyes. "It's populating little person." Said Doreen. "You'll get canceled if you say the M word."
"You can say Midget. Sure some people get offended, but it's not like people who annoy me." Nick replied. "South Park reference."
"I know about Naggers." Doreen replied. "But this mission is not being streamed anywhere."
The trio entered a room where Salazar was waiting.
"¡Me voy a la mierda!" Exclaimed Salazar as he locked one door and escaped through the other.
Spikes poked from the ceiling and it began to descend on our trio.
"Sweet Nibblets!" Miley Exclaimed.
"Relax, I'm a Master of Unlocking!" Said Nick as he Shoryukened all 4 switched on the ceiling. The door opened and they escaped.
"That was too close. We were almost a Jiggle Sandwich." Nick said in 90s bad voice acting.
"Don't mind him, Miley. Resident Evil references." Said Doreen. "Stick with me, since we'll be separated soon and your guns don't vanish when Nick is away." Said Doreen as she nearly clung to Miley.
"Bishop better pay me extra for this." Miley thought as once again, they got separated by a trap. Nick went and did his thing while Miley and Doreen waited.
"So, Celebrities are Secret Agents for the EPF?" Doreen asked.
"Some of them, yeah. Some celebs aren't even human. Some are Mutants, others are aliens/interdimensional beings." Miley replied. "Ever seen The Room?"
Doreen shook her head.
"Seen the Disaster Artist? James Franco played Tommy Wiseau, who is an Alien vampire. Luckily for us, he doesn't drink human blood. Bovine blood is a delicacy on his planet."Miley said. "Ever since he learned self control, he survives on seven cows. Draws a little blood from then and is self sustaining."
"Huh." Doreen replied. "Was Michael Jackson an Alien?"
"Nope! Mutant." Miley replied. "Mark Zuckerberg is an alien. Kim Jong-Il was an Alien. Team America is 45% a true story with Hollywood embellishments. Oh you're back!"
Nick was carrying both goblets and they returned to the Throne room. "In the next place we're going, we're gonna get split up for a long while. Mile, cling to Doreen so I can Speedrun the bullshit I have to do to rescue you again. Remember your small insurances." Said Nick before snuggling on Doreen's breasts.
"Once this is over, were gonna have so much fun together!" Said Nick as he squeezed her boobs. Doreen blushed.
"I will pet you too, Miss Kitty. Hopefully Miss Ass will welcome me as nicely as you did."
"Hey! I never said anything about anal!" Doreen Exclaimed. "Get me off this place and I'll consider it."
Nick began strutting like DiCaprio as they entered the dome. The Novistadors took Doreen and Miley while Nick was left to his own devices.
In a matter of minutes, Nick reunited with Miley and Doreen, but Salazar triggered a trap.
"Aaaaargh!" Nick made a Wilhelm scream before firing a special bullet at Salazar's listening horn.
"What in the hell!? Where is my satisfying impalement sound! I got rickrolled!? ¡Mátalo!" Exclaimed Salazar as one of his servants went after Nick. The other escorted Miley and Doreen to a new location.
Nick managed to escaped when the radio buzzed in.
"So maybe you have nine lives. It doesn't matter now, Mr. Cade. I have sent my right hand to dispose of you." Said Salazar.
"Your right hand comes off? That's pretty cool para la paja del forastero." Replied Nick Mockingly.
"Say whatever you please! Die you worm!" Shrieked Salazar.
***
Ruins:
Miley and Doreen are being escorted by the remaining Verdugo and some Zealots to the Altar where the final ritual will take place.
" Morir es vivir. Morir es vivir. Morir es vivir. Morir es vivir. Morir es vivir. Morir es vivir. Morir es vivir. Morir es vivir. Morir es vivir." Chanted the Zealots as they dragged Miley and Doreen to the Altar. There a Man was waiting.
"No." Miley muttered
"Yee doggie!" The man in the cowboy suit Exclaimed. "Destiny Hope Cyrus... I wasn't expecting you here." Said Billy Ray Cyrus. "Lord Saddler, you can have my daughter to use as you please as a sign of my loyalty to your cause."
"Just because I am Lord over a town full of Spanish hicks who live like the Amish, doesn't mean I'm not aware if your Achy Breaky Feud." Replied Saddler unamused. "Besides, She is already a host. In any case, let's take them to the Island, while our Diminutive host entertains the Cade Boy."
"Really, Old Man? Betraying America?" Miley Spat.
"You're not looking at the bigger picture, Mile." Said Billy Ray. "My Biggest mistake was allowing you to become Hannah Montana. But with the Power of The Las Plagas, Lord Saddler can brong a new world order and you can join me as my right hand as we rule America under Lord Saddler's glorious regime. Father and Daughter. We could Party in the USA."
" Ask Rage Against The Machine so eloquently put it: 'Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!'" Spat Miley.
"Family squabbles will be a thing of the past." Said Saddler as he boarded the boat. Billy Ray aimed his Machinegun at the girls while signaling them to move.
***
Altar:
As Nick finally reached the Altar, Salazar was awaiting him.
"Ah, Mister Cade... since we're alone, there's no need for charades." Said Salazar as he revealed his true form of Nick with Dwarfism. "While Shokushu might be dead and that Traitor Desiree fled... There are a few of us who will follow our father's will! That is destroying our pathetic source Material. The battle will end here. You shall not pass!" Yelled the Tiny Nick as he was absorbed by the Castle Walls and the Verdugo. Then they fused into a giant monster that tried it's best to destroy Nick.
Dodging and weaving, Nick managed to stay away from the monster and firing enough shots to reveal the Tiny Nick clone, who was pelted by two golden eggs right on the kisser.
"Te dije que metería mis huevos en tu boca." Said Nick.
"I thought you were talking about your balls!" Replied the Mini Nick. "¡MALDITA SEA! ¡SOY ALÉRGICO A LOS HUEVOS! DE GALLINA MAL PENSADO."
"Catch!" Said Nick as he threw a flashbang followed by a Rocket. Thus fell the Nick clone playing Salazar. With the Castle crumbling Nick ran off towards the dock, where Karai was waiting.
"Got a few minutes to spare?" Asked Karai as she hiked the skirt of her purple dress.
"Not really, but since you're offering, I do require a little power-up." Said Nick as he approached her moist entrance.
***
Island:
Saddler and Billy Ray went their Separate Ways as the latter escorted Doreen and Miley to their new location.
"The young Cade is busy dipping his McNugget in Szechuan Sauce, so you girls better move it." Said Billy Ray. They kept going until Billy Ray dropped Doreen at a cell. "I'm splitting you two up, as I know what my little girl is capable of." Said Billy Ray as Miley scoffed. Woth a swift punch to the gut, Billy Ray knocked Miley out. "This is for your own good."
A few minutes later Miley wakes up at an encampment with Billy Ray looking over her.
"Give it up, Mile, you've got no chance against me. Not even the Cade kid, with his super powers can beat me. You are just human. Now be a good little girl and wait here while Daddy kills your little gamer friend." Billy Ray said before leaving. Once he left, Miley pulled the vial of Nick chowder she had hidden in her snatch. Once outside, she saw abilly Ray waiting at a vantage point.
"Hey Old Man!" Exclaimed Miley. "I can kick your ass! Come at me bro!" She said as she drank the vial of Nick chowder. Her eyes widened and she felt stronger, faster, and resilient. Pulling out a throwing knife, she threw it at Billy Ray who barely dodged it.
"It's on!" Exclaimed Billy Ray as the Knife Duel amongst the Cyruses began. Matching blow by blow, Billy Ray was confused as Miley wasn't supposed to match him. "I see, so my daughter is a whore that drinks Mutant cum for a temporary power boost." Said Billy Ray as his arm transformed into a winged sickle. "I have some of Cade's DNA within me in a heterosexual way."
Billy Ray taunted as he used his new arm to attack Miley.
"I'm sorry for my siblings, but I'll put you down, Da- Old Man!" Said Miley with a tear in her eye as she drew out a Shotgun and blasted Billy Ray in the dick before decapitating him. This cause some instability on his Mutated appendage.
Mikey let out a soul piercing scream as Nick reached the area and grabbed her before the bombs exploded.
***
Trenches:
After gently putting Miley down on the floor, Nick lets her cry on his shoulder.
"I killed my father..." she sobbed. Nick simply hugged the older Secret Agent.
"I wish I had the proper worda to make you feel better, but it doesn't work this way." Nick said while patting her head. "Unfortunately, we have work to do." The radio chirped.
"Ah, Miss Hannah Montana. Thank you for taking care of Robbie Ray for us. He was a Traitor and a nuisance. I love the smell of Patricide in the evening!" Taunted Saddler.
"He is the one to blame. Let's kill that sonofabitch!" Said Miley with a newfound confidence.
Both Nick and Miley began clearing the trenches with some air support that Nick had called back when he lost Doreen yet again. Once they reach the entrance to the Brig, Miley suggest splitting up but before that she herked Nick off for a refill.
"Focus, Cade! If we finish this mission properly I'll do something Very nice for you. Sorry, Hannah will do something VERY nice and very sexual for you." Said Miley in a sultry voice before leaving. Nick went his way amd Miley went hers.